Birthday’s and Beatitudes
Sunset-Cardiff, California~photo taken November 2, 2010
With age comes knowledge of things we wish to say but cannot because life truly does not work out like that. It’s more of a simple thing really. Life is, I mean. A few lines here and there and “How-are-you-kind-of- thing,” but no one truly wants to know the dark details. I don’t know what’s happened to me, but two deaths in one year has me reading more books than usual and staying at home more than before my friends had died. Both were under the age of 37 in 2010. One died from pancreatic cancer and the other suicide.
With grief and loss, I seemed to have developed a quiet retrospect to life, almost like a deeper understanding that cannot be removed from my day to day life now. Somehow what we learn changes us…I am wondering though when the girl I was will come out to play again. I realize in time, life does heal all wounds and there is room for laughter again. There is room for celebration. I have always been the one to throw the parties; organize the happenings…and this year?
I don’t feel like celebrating too much lately. To learn about hurt, death and love close up just takes my breath away. A once, wonderful group of friends have disbanded so rapidly since my one friend’s suicide, I cannot seem to find the words or the want to organize a party again. Or figure out how to patch up its ending. I have loss my ability to be that PR girl that keeps everyone in contact, social and always scheduling the next gathering.
Instead, I have found myself looking…in.
I think that I will make a comeback eventually. I know in time a soul will find it’s way back into the sun after grieving. A soul if it’s willing to live and be alive has aright fight for happiness on this earth. I believe in ‘acting as if’, and eventually you will be that way again. A Norman Vincent Peale philosophy that I have lived with and has actually worked in the past.
Maybe it’s age and time making me ponder the seconds on the clock, the moments at work..if you are not happy where you are change your surroundings. I am very good on knowing how to do this. Ask me on this, I know. I am not one afraid of shifting, bending, willing to learn, willing to live, to grow, to extend into another part of my soul that I might have not recognized if I didn’t have the courage to leap. I can do that no problem.
Leap and fall. Live and breathe. Read. I say read until you can no longer read. Books have been my friends, my teachers for years. I find more peace and understanding in characters sometimes than the realness this life has to offer. I have some of those friends that like to compare and compare and compare, who has this, who has that, and who is looking better these days…life is not perfect. There is no perfection on either side of the sand where the line was drawn. Marked imperfections are everywhere, from me to you to those with money and to the man standing on the street with a sign.
I think my dad is right when he says, ‘if you can figure out how to deal with your emotions in this life and make it through it, it’s a pretty good life.’ My dad was a marine in the 60’s and fought in the frontline in Vietnam, so I’ll take that advice from him any day. Thanks, Dad. This is just me telling you basically, there is no party to throw this year for my birthday because I cannot find the will to want to celebrate after last year, and honestly I think that is just fine for this occasion. It’s okay to take a break and go away once for your birthday. It’s okay to turn 40, to remember, to be, to live, to cry, to go within, to be a mother, a wife, a writer, a reader, a runner and most of a child of God still just learning how to walk all over again.
Just when you think you have it all figured out, the world can tip sideways and the sunsets are never the same again. But….I know there is joy in here and I am aware of this precious life, and I’ve never ever been more grateful for all that I have had, lost, loved, won, given, been, cherished, or regretted. Life is just absolutely breath-takingly devestatingly, beautiful isn’t it?
I find there is so much to still discover, to remember and to be. I am finding there is that wise woman inside me that has more than party organizing abilities, and it’s okay to be her on occasion. It’s okay to take a break and remember to take care of ourselves.
~personal writings shared originally in February 2011
is precious to us….
“Losing Someone You Love”
“Losing someone you love”
This story was originally published in the Rancho Santa Fe News in April, 2010.
How do we move on after we lose a loved one?
I have a close friend that is dying of pancreatic cancer. I didn’t think I would write about this, but it’s the only thing occupying my mind. We always think that tomorrow is coming. We count on it, we believe in it…However, when you see your 36 year old friend withering away with only a few weeks left to live, you begin to question your own mortality.
You begin to wonder why such things happen. You wonder why you are spared death and must soon live in a world without your friend. You wonder in 10 years if you will be able to remember all of your favorite things about your dear loved one. You want to remember the smallest details that seemed to matter…
You think of time, precious time and how you want the clock to slow down so they can live one more day longer. You feel guilty for being healthy. You wish that you could do anything to give them something you cannot give them—their future.
I’m angry that my friend has to die. I am angry that she does not get to be married, have children or experience all of those wondrous moments most women touch upon during their lives. I want her to feel the joy of turning 40…an age my friend will never reach. I am angry that life must continue on, while she is stuck in a hospice with gifts. Everyone is bringing things to her like chocolates, strawberries, fruits and candies. All of her favorite things. However, she can’t really eat any of it becaus she is dying from pancreatic cancer. All of these things are now cluttering her room. The gifts that we bring her will not keep her alive. I sit with her sisters and wonder why this must happen? I’ve never watched someone close to my age be taken so swiftly, without warning. There is nothing we can do except bring things that we think will make her smile, find moments of bliss is simple things that can give her comfort.
When it happens to your friend and you’re on the sidelines watching, the feeling are too surreal. There is no way to process the amount of grief you feel on the inside. If anything, being a believer (in God) makes this situation harder to understand. I’ve never lost a friend this close to me and so young, either.
Forgive me, I am just so unsettled by this wave of bereavement, I need to share it.
I am at a loss.
My beautiful friend will be leaving me shortly and there is nothing that can change this. After walking in and out of a hospice in San Diego, I do not know why my friend is dying of cancer. There is no answer in the blue sky above to explain any reason of why she must die. I drive away dazed by the harsh sunlight. I look at others driving and wonder if they are losing a loved one, too. I try to comprehend how to make sense of why this is happening. I drive away and remember each fun moment we ever had. I am smiling at our fun times, our laughs, her amazing spirit. I don’t know how to keep her here. I just know I want her to live.
Why?
I don’t want to be angry anymore. I will seek my solace in prayer. I will think of what my friend has said to me over the last few weeks (in so many words) and her guided wisdom:
“Be more present with all of those that you love. Don’t short yourself on your own journey. Make sure you realize the beauty of it all. The beauty of your trials, your loved ones and the moments we create between morning and night. Make sure you are counting your every blessing.”
She is so wise like that, you know.
She is still here! That is what I am thinking. I can slow down the time with her each day, each moment. I will ferociously take them. I will focus on these last few days. She is like an angel here on earth. She would tell me, “Machel, I have had a wonderful life! Be happy, my dear friend.”
Yes, I will try to remember her words of wisdom. I will remember her vivacious spirit. I will count myself blessed by her soul and sharing what time we did have and still do together.
Tomorrow, I will make the phone call I do each day. I find out if I will have one more precious day with my friend.
***Heidi Cruz passed away in the later part of April at the hospice in San Diego. She was surrounded by many loved ones and her one true love that never left her side at the end of her last few days. Machel writes often about Heidi Cruz and is very thankful that her beautiful spirit is at peace and she is no longer in pain.
Rancho Santa Fe Columnist, Machel Penn Shull “Remembering a Dear Friend”
ended her beautiful life. I want to remember her this month and send warm wishes
to all of Heidi’s sisters and family members. I had met Heidi from the newspaper
business a few years before. Her spirit was fun, exotic and intoxicating to be
around. Watching her leave this earth last spring was one of the hardest things
I have witnessed during my life thus far. She didn’t deserve to die young. So
why did she? I don’t know about you, but I try to find reasons to understand
that which we cannot. I try and dig deep to face those hard issues that don’t
make sense. The answers are not always there, but sometimes from searching you
can find solace. At least that’s how it can be for me.
Beautiful Heidi Cruz with good friend Denny Fallon
My wish for Heidi is she is now finally free from pain. I hope that she is smiling and
watching over all of us that cling to her memory. I hope that the sunshine has
found her permanently. She was a “good egg” as they say. She may not be here
with us in the flesh, but her spirit is alive and remembered by all of those
that loved her. I have included a photo of my good friend Denny Fallon with
Heidi, which was taken a few months before she became ill. I felt this
photo truly captured the Heidi I will always remember and love. I still miss you
my friend.
Around town
What better way to go out and
celebrate life but on tax day? On April 15 my husband and I ended up in the
heart of town at Mille Fleurs that Friday night. How wonderful to see the
restaurant crowded with patrons and residents again. I ran into Stan and his
lovely girlfriend, Oxana, hanging out at the piano bar, while Randy Beecher was
singing some familiar tunes. I asked them if they would pose for a quick photo
for the column that night. Luckily for me, they said yes! Stan and Oxana looked
fabulous together on their night out on the town. Thanks for the lovely
photo.
On April 18, I received some wonderful news from the Rancho Santa
Fe Rotary. Torrey Pines High School senior Charlie Reed, was presented with one
of Rotary International’s highest honors, a Paul Harris Fellow. Her hard work
fundraising toward the Water for Sudan nonprofit drilling wells is definitely
worth sharing. Each year Charlie has organized a theater workshop in which she
has raised more than $10,000 dollars. The money also goes to El Faro Orphanage,
ShelterBox, Sr. Ethel’s work in Missionvale, South Africa and Lance Armstrong’s
charity, Livestrong. I must add that Charlie Reed was also Torrey Pines High
School’s homecoming queen this year! She will be attending Berkeley College this
fall. Congratulations Charlie. You definitely deserve to have the spotlight on
you for all of your amazing achievements.
On April 21, the SMARTY San
Ranch Realtor Priscilla Wood at the SMARTY event in La Jolla
Diego organization held their event at the Madison Gallery in La Jolla. SMARTY
is a networking group for women in business. Local Ranch real estate agent
Priscilla Wood is one of the leaders here in San Diego. I have included a couple
of photos from that evening in La Jolla. Elise Muhawi was also there, and Lorna
York, the founder and CEO of Madison Gallery. On the top of their website, the
logo reads, “We Mean Business.” I like that. If you are a female and run your
own business, this definitely would be a group to check out. Visit
smartypeople.com. Amy Swift Crosby is the founder of this wonderful
organization, which promotes women to succeed. Thank you, Priscilla for letting
me know about this exciting night.
On April 23, I was at Lemon Twist
Fruit stand, which is located right across Cielo, helping my husband with his
customers. Two lovely longtime residents of the Ranch — Janice Rosenbranz and
Pat Storm — stopped by and bought some strawberries and some other organic
produce. When Janice found out that Robin and I were married, she exclaimed,
“You are really lucky you know to marry this guy!” I said, “I know, I feel the
same way,” with a huge smile across my face.
Robin Shull with Pat Storm and friend at Lemon Twist Fruitstand
How sweet Janice and Pat were that
day. They shared their recollections on Lemon Twist and all of the years they
had been going there. They were so happy to see it back finally after the Witch
Creek Fire in 2007. I took a photo of them with my husband, Robin. Sometimes
life reminds you in simple ways of your own blessings.
Save the
date
The Rancho Santa Fe Book Cellar is having their half-off book sale
on May 5 and May 6. This wonderful jewel of a bookstore is one of my favorite
highlights of my Saturday mornings. Every Saturday I find a new book to read for
that week, while browsing peacefully among the many shelves in the Book Cellar.
Recently, I found “The Ice Queen,” by Alice Hoffman, which was a sublime novel.
Take my advice, make sure you support Rancho Santa Fe’s only local bookstore by
donating any used or new books that could be cluttering your shelves. The Book
Cellar and the RSF Library will benefit from the half-off sale. For more
information, call (858) 756-4780. You can bet I will be there.
Read more:
Coast
News Group – One year later — still missing a dear friend who died too young
